Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Shut the Fuck Up, You Weren't Abducted by Aliens

Even though SETI has been sending out more unanswered calls than an aging Winona Ryder, we still haven’t received any signals from other intelligent civilizations. The problem with predicting the chance of finding intelligent life elsewhere is that the mapping of our universe is in its infancy and concepts like the Drake equation are dependent upon too many unknowns. When taking into consideration the vastness of our galaxy, universe, and Chris Christie’s small intestine, as well as the fact alien civilizations could be operating on a variety of different frequencies on some 100 billion planets in the Milky Way proposed to be exoplanets, it becomes unsurprising we haven’t met cosmic reverberation at the rate of Mitt Romney’s indecision. Even using Bayesian logic as regurgitated by Edwin Turner recently, which proposes that our own existence does not indicate that there is also life elsewhere, we still need to maintain a Copernican ideology of our existence. The sun doesn’t revolve around the earth, we weren’t put here by an omnipotent creator, and we’re probably not the only ones out there.
"Take me to your producer"

Listen. There’s probably life on other heavenly bodies in our Universe. There’s Keppler 22(b), 20(e), 20(f). There are Saturn’s moons Titan, Enceladus, and Dione. There are Cauche horizons in black holes. There’s the new “SuperEarth” GJ1214b.  Until we develop the technology to span the far reaches of our universe, we remain in a sample size of one. Everything we say about the probability of life, what conditions are conducive to the development of life, and whether there’s another planet where gays are just fucking ruining everybody’s lives by getting married is merely speculative. Within the confines of our own perceptual logic, we estimate that there could potentially be 50 quintillion (more zeroes than the crowd in a Guns N’ Roses reunion concert) exoplanets. Disregarding the Fermi paradox, disregarding the cosmic silence we perceive, disregarding that we may just be the asshole neighbors that no other aliens want to hang out with because we always get drunk and play “Land Down Under” on the jukebox and purposely get dropped off at the bar so somebody else has to drive us home, for the sake of this article, we’ll assume that there is intelligent life in the observable universe............
Axl Rose or Mike Piazza

You still didn’t fucking get abducted by aliens.


Greens, Greys, Nordics, Furry Hamsters. All anthropomorphized characters. All fucking wrong. Before it was Mother Nature, it was Poseidon the God of the Sea, it was demons corrupting the souls of people who just turned out to get the genetic short-end-of-the-stick. Let’s dissect the common abduction experience: Little nude green guy comes into your room, takes you up into his room, shoves some shit up your ass. Despite this just sounding like a slow Tuesday night for Rob Kardashian, it’s eerily similar to something else that’s been going on across the world. Sleep paralysis is a fairly common ailment that 20-60% of the population has experienced at some time. In cases of sleep paralysis, the overriding theme is that the subject often experiences a feeling of presence of evil, often coupled with leaving their physical body or being controlled by an insidious force. In the past, this phenomenon has propagated the development of mythical lore about succubae in the night, the “Old Hag” of Newfoundland, the Kanashibari in Japan, and the “Fat Chick From the Bar” in the United States. All of this because of awareness during deep REM arises while your pons has continued to restrict motor function. This is a fairly common symptom to stress, lack of sleep, and not getting abducted by aliens.
"We keep it in the family"

But even if it’s not sleep paralysis, a dream, narcolepsy, temporal lobe epilepsy, lack of folds in the paracingulate sulcus, a tumor affecting the temporo-parietal junction, or that I accidentally slipped you mescaline instead of the rape drug, you still didn’t fucking get abducted by aliens.

If we make the gross assumption that life can only be carbon-based and develop within the same parameters and which we arose, intergalactic explorers would definitely not be able to show up in your bedroom window freeballing it. We can’t even go to our own moon without highly advanced apparatuses so that we can adjust to pressure, the cold, and because they really want to look like Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Free Willy, or whatever. Also, if they had sufficient technology to traverse the galaxy, the universe, or possibly even different dimensions, I think they’d probably be medically advanced enough to perfect the roofie.
"It will only hurt for a second, Radio"

If, more likely, they developed on a terrestrial body in a universe with different laws of physics, even slightly, and/or they are composed primarily of a different element, we’d have no fucking clue what it was, and it most certainly wouldn’t have human qualities. If a mysterious, unidentified source is reported to have human attributes, it’s probably a construct of human perception. In fact, aliens could be here right now, all around us, in a form we just assume developed here on earth. I’ve suspected cats for fucking years. Most likely, even if a civilization is only a couple thousand years our elder, we wouldn’t even be able to detect their presence or involvement in our lives, or as Arthur Clarke put it, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic…unless it’s Jesus—he’s really magic.”

Let’s just say I’m wrong. Fuck it, still don’t worry. First, free prostate exams are nothing to fuss about as you grow older. Second, if an advanced alien civilization really wanted to kick our asses or use us for some treacherous purpose, don’t you think they’d intervene before we developed more destructive weapons and progress technologically? Maybe aliens are somehow influencing our evolution or using us for some sick, sadistic purpose without our knowledge, but the reality remains, we don’t know about it. Whether you have free will or not isn’t it important, it’s the illusion that counts. So if we are human batteries or we’re the preprogrammed offspring of an alien civilization with the sole purpose of proliferating the development of a new universe when our technology allows, all you can do is sit back and enjoy the sodomy.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

48 Things You Didn't Know About Easter

1.       Male rabbits are called “bucks.”

2.       All female rabbits are whores.

3.       Rabbits are not rodents, they’re actually lagomorphs.

4.       We’ll still pretty sure Steve Buschemi is a lemur, which is also not a rodent.

5.       Many of the Christian traditions surrounding Easter, such as Good Friday and the Resurrection, are derived from earlier pagan rituals, most notably involving cults of the god Attis around 200 B.C. in ancient Rome. In areas in which both cults of Attis and early Christians were later geographically located, there were disputes over each other’s god’s authenticity.

6.       Kirk Cameron edited the last fact out of the Wikipedia page for Easter.

7.       Jesus was likely crucified on a post. The idea of a cross had not gained popularity until around 300 years after his death.

8.       Jesus would have made a fantastic “A” in the YMCA music video.

9.       Mel Gibson has a knife to my throat.

10.   Jesus was the true Son of God, Allah is a total sham, and the Holocaust was a fairy tale dreamed up by greedy Jewish bastards to pocket compensatory damages.

11.   Mel Gibson is gone.

12.   63% of Americans would like to receive a chocolate Easter Bunny.

13.   100% of them probably shouldn’t.

14.   The world’s largest bag of jelly beans weighs over 6,000 lbs., or half the circumference of Chris Christie’s stomach divided by the number of times Terrell Owens has used the word “we” in lbs.

15.   Many Neopagans celebrate the Spring Equinox by lighting fires and jumping over them to ensure fertility.

16.   Republicans practice this ritual through birth control restriction.

17.   Liz Jones has been cast to play Stretch Armstrong later this year.

18.   The word “Easter” most likely comes from the goddess of the Saxons of Northern Europe, Eostre. Her name was derived from “eastre” which meant “spring.” However, many Mediterranean religions also had similar names for the Mother goddess.

19.   The word “Sunday” was most likely either derived from the Scandinavian Sun goddess, Sunna, or the Roman god of the Sun, Sol.

20.   Jesus’s mother Mary was impregnated by the Holy Spirit to a cover of the track “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. He cleverly replaced “Mandy” with Mary’s name in his rendition.

21.   As part of the Trinity, Jesus is also the Father and the Holy Spirit – three in one.

22.   Holy shit, that means Jesus fucked his mom.

23.   Bunnies purr, similarly to kittens.

24.   Fuck cats.

25.   Adult rabbits can be as small as 2 lbs.

26.   Fuck midgets.

27.   Rabbits are unable to vomit.

28.   (showing rabbit “Two Girls One Cup”)

29.   Rabbits can literally be scared to death.

30.   (showing rabbit my lucky rabbit’s foot)

31.   Easter marks the end of Lent, or a 40-day period people publicly pronounce discontinuing a vice in their life while continuing to do said activity in private.

32.   Ashe Wednesday celebrates the illustrious career of one of the first publically accepted black athletes, Arthur Ashe. He was a point guard for the Knicks.

33.   Bar soap just doesn’t feel right in public showers.

34.   Contrary to many of the depictions in the West, Jesus was inevitably dark-skinned due to the region he was conceived (immaculately). However, due to the birth certificate found by Sheriff Joe Arpaio, evidence does seem to suggest Jesus was an American.

35.   The first chocolate eggs were produced in Europe in the 19th century by geese that later migrated to the U.S. and started the hipster movement.

36.   Since that day I pass on the sugar and sweeten my coffee with aspartame just to spite the bastards.

37.   The American Rabbit Breeder’s Association has recognized over 45 different species of rabbits.

38.   Nobody in the American Rabbit Breeder’s Association has seen a human vagina.

39.   Turning bread and wine into flesh and blood is perfectly plausible and happens every Sunday. It’s also not creepy at all that it’s later ingested.

40.   The Pope appeared on Christmas morning wearing Ron Paul’s gold reserves.

41.   No, they don’t actually let the homeless people sleep inside the million-dollar buildings.

42.   The First Council of Mencia in 325 A.D. determined Easter would fall on the first Sunday after the Paschal Full Moon.

43.   They probably copied that from another council.

44.   In Scandinavia, some businesses give employees nearly a full week off for Easter break. I imagine they spend this time having hot, dirty sex with Americans visiting Scandinavia over Easter (fingers crossed).

45.   Duran, Duran spent a week living with a pack of grey wolves and hunting rabbits while preparing the track “Hungry Like The Wolf.”

46.   Oscar Wilde was referring to convincing a herd of rabbits his dick was a carrot by “the love that dare not speak its name.”

47.   Kids’ favorite color of jelly bean is red.

48.   Kids should know it was because they whined about which candy they got that their parents were divorced and they need to be frequently reminded in the event that they forget and retain some sort of self-confidence.