Wednesday, June 27, 2012


"Hey kids! Jesus here! You may have heard about me or seen me in the Bible or your local Congressman's wife's dusty vagina, respectively. Whoops! Let one of those 'vagina' words slip! But what were we talking about? Religion? Sex? Drugs!? Oh yes, there it is! By the way the latter is completely unconnected to the other two.

I love you. The Bible tells you so! And I don't mean I love you like that hot guy with great lats and a tan bod, I mean like I like, Velvet Goldmine love you. Wait.. no, I mean like, I leader of your Scout Troop love you.. well, I guess that could be interpreted as...(how many times am I going to have to fucking ask Peter for a befitting translation?) just take the me-damned compliment. I want you to know the last thing I'd want is for any harm to come to you. Unless you're one of those gay Jews. Not gay as in liking other guy Jews, but kind of gay like prancing around with their basketball teams, sci-fi films, and not thinking I fulfill the requirements set by messianic prophecies.


Drugs are bad: cocaine makes you a Hispanic, heroin gives you AIDs, marijuana makes you a glutton--and we all know what my Dad thinks of people that are frivilous with his food. So keep bad stuff out of your mouth. Actually, keep anything I don't specifically address out of your mouth. Just bread, fish, and the Word. No, not those words. Stick with the stuff between "homosexuality is an abomination" and murdering guys who use the floor as their jizz rags, then skip past the 700 wives and 300 concubines to "the two shall be joined in the flesh"-- flip a few pages to "God Bless America" and stop before you get to Harold Camping. But here for more information is your seriously undertrained University of Phoenix grad local police officer who's never actually taken a class on psychopharmacology, but according to the incongruencies in his facial features his mother probably drank a lot of Mad Dog and moonlit as a cook for Frank Lucas. Plus, he watches a sufficient amount of DEA reruns on late-night Spike TV and used to be a neighborhood watchman in a predominately white neighborhood with a peculiar ratio of bullet holes to black teens...."



Listen kids. I'm getting older, and in that progression there's an implacable, unseen hormonal force that widens the gap between myself and the next generation and leaves me with the realization that the preacher from Footloose had some good points about dancing. Nonetheless, there's one thing we can still agree on. Your parents are fucking assholes. They're fucking assholes because the only reason you were born is because they live in Mississippi so they never learned about contraceptive until your father's tragic slow-pitch softball incident that left him sterile. They're assholes because after you were born out of wedlock to your Baptist teenage mother, she posted numerous pictures of your naked penis all over Facebook, solidifying the assumption that the only prerequisite for being a good mom anymore is having a vagina, digital camera, and a vindictive attitude towards all other unprepared mothers as if she patented getting knocked up in the back of a Mustang. Your parents are assholes because they show up at Planned Parenthood wielding "pro-life" signs because they pledge allegiance to a political party with complete irreverence for your well-being after you emerge out of your wombed prison to get slapped by an overpaid beaurocrat to validate your vitality, but also ironically simulating what life is going to do to you indefinitely, especially if you plan on going to those mandatory impoverished child after-school programs with handsy counselors your asshole parents signed you up for because they work the late shift at McDonald's since learning to read from "Pop-Up Video" doesn't lead to fluent literacy. My parents were assholes and never taught me about run-on sentences.

The biggest reason they're assholes is because that ostentatious plutocrat they let accost you after your birth will advise you on the danger of drugs after he pops a Prozac and writes you a Ritalin and Effexor prescription with his Celebrex pen because those assholes that raised you couldn't intervene in the process having never figured out consequences for themselves, let alone teach you while they were on a trial separation. Eventually he will undoubtedly jam his greased up phalanges up your two-hole when you turn 40 just to remind you even your own reproductive organs are turning against you as they signal your induction into the inevitable hall of fame of asshole parents because your kid just turned 16 and hates you, too. I digress.

Your parents have lied to you from "It's completely normal for your Dad to be chaperone at the dance" to "I promise it's not you kids' fault" so why take their highly unqualified opinion on the use of drugs? In an ignorant haze only self-righteousness can bring, your parents will most likely take the easy way out and tell you to abstain from all drugs. This saves them from compromising on the agreement they made with their young adult selves to basically stop evolving as a human being after high school. I'm not going to condone the use of illicit drugs because that makes me liable for your actions, but I'm also not going to sit here under the illusion that all drugs are bad when the average American's bathroom cupboard looks like the average Rush Limbaugh's bathroom cupboard. Just as much as drugs are used for profiteering, pacification, and exploitation, particularly in the realm of pharmaceuticals, demonizing drugs baselessly can be used to for the same purpose.

Obviously there are some bad drugs out there. Let me tell you a couple of stories:

One day a group of people at the reputable pharmaceutical Merck and Co. woke up and wanted to ascertain information about the safety and efficacy of their new product, Vioxx. They hired the prestigious Dr. Scott Reuben to validate the work of the upstanding folks at Merck on the painkilling nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug. Dr. Reuben ostensibly used the many skills he acquired at medical school and his residency to fake studies for the drug in which nobody was actually enrolled, but were often cited by himself and colleagues to justify the continued use of Vioxx to both other medical professionals and the FDA based on "make believe" evidence as if they were on Fox News pimping The War on Christmas. Fortunately, the FDA suspended their campaign on geriatrics taking CoQ10 and caught wind about the Casper studies on Vioxx, as well as Pfizer's Celebrx, Lyrica, and Bextra leaving Dr. Reuben as surprised as when Nickelback discovered what they thought were lighters moving back an forth at their concerts were actually just pitchfork and torch-wielding concerned townspeople. Don't worry though, before this was all found out Vioxx had already killed 10 times as many people as 9/11 and was voluntarily withdrawn, while you can still purchase all of the other drugs he was involved with to this day. You can sleep sound at night though, Reuben was forced to pay $360,000 of the millions he accrued back to those same pharmaceutical companies that released the drugs and was put in prison for the majority of Kim Kardashian's marriage.

Here's another story. A tale of two drugs. Both of whose ancestral lines are likely to have emerged shortly after the appearance of behaviorally modern humans and have been traditionally used for religious ceremonies, ascertaining enlightenment, celebration, treatment of various ailments, and fraternity hazing. Both came under scrutiny for their conscious-altering effects and have been criminalized and regulated thereafter. When prohibtion of one was attempted in the country, organized crime grew, and it failed to effectively stifle use of the drug that today is linked to as many as ~40,000 deaths in the country annually. As a result, the drug was again legalized. The other, however, once mandatory to produce in the early colonies, was handled with particular hostility because of the interesting threat it posed to the timber and nylon industries due to its vast versatility of use. So was instituted the political ideology of Hey That Shit Didn't Work Last Time, Let's Try It Again. Although that drug can be used to treat conditions such as impulse control, pain that doesn't respond to opiate treatment (which ironically is more dangerous than this drug anyway), peripheral nervous issues from metabolic disorders, anorexia, cachexia, some forms of cancer such as lung and prostate, religiosity, and a host of other maladies its lack of any direct link to deaths of Americans make our legislators highly suspicious of its safety. Of course it has been proven to greatly impair the driving ability, but so does being Asian or a woman and that's generally tolerated if you don't live in Kentucky. Still our policy in marijuana remains intact, leaving prisons overcrowded with nonviolent criminals and vacations in Mexico including a complementary mass burial.

The point I'm trying to get across is that the entire "it's bad because it's illegal" argument is futile at best, but more likely irresponsibly dangerous. Marijuana only being the most salient example because of it's widespread use, ease of procuring, medicinal benefits, and relative harmlessness compared to the much more dangerous, legal alcohol, there are many drugs we demonize that can lead to self-improvement. The key with anything: cheesburgers, water, Axe Body Spray, and bringing out your guitar at parties to get laid, is moderation. The same profiteering that led the criminalization of marijuana is that which drives the pharmaceutical industry today, void of transparency, wild with costs, and highly experimental. Consequently, we wage war on the methamphetamine endemic while prescribing its chemical cousin to young children for attention and Dr. Jack Kevorkian could've avoided public backlash if he changed his name to Abilify. So next time you're playing truth or D.A.R.E., choose truth, not the lazy, easy way out.

So why do people use drugs? Why does a sexually deviant bear shit on someone's chest in the woods? We have an inherent yearning to alter our concsciousness: we eat food, we do drugs, we play sports, we have relationships, we order Fleshlights, we masturbate with nooses around our necks to produce a different state of concsiousness, relieving us from the mundane bore of baseline conditions. Think of your mind, global workspace, Will, consciousness, spirit, or whatever as a bunch of competing drives and entities. What drugs-- and all other forms of altering conscious--do are give one of those entities the advantage, taking your emperical reality into uncharted waters in creativity and insight that you could never reach organically. Ultimately, we search novelty, and that, in turn, is why drug use increases with intelligence. All of our drives culimante in the hopeful, hedonistic acquisition of pleasure while minimizing pain. On the subject of drugs, I'm going to teach you how to do just that.


The statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease because that's really gross.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Shut the Fuck Up, You Weren't Abducted by Aliens

Even though SETI has been sending out more unanswered calls than an aging Winona Ryder, we still haven’t received any signals from other intelligent civilizations. The problem with predicting the chance of finding intelligent life elsewhere is that the mapping of our universe is in its infancy and concepts like the Drake equation are dependent upon too many unknowns. When taking into consideration the vastness of our galaxy, universe, and Chris Christie’s small intestine, as well as the fact alien civilizations could be operating on a variety of different frequencies on some 100 billion planets in the Milky Way proposed to be exoplanets, it becomes unsurprising we haven’t met cosmic reverberation at the rate of Mitt Romney’s indecision. Even using Bayesian logic as regurgitated by Edwin Turner recently, which proposes that our own existence does not indicate that there is also life elsewhere, we still need to maintain a Copernican ideology of our existence. The sun doesn’t revolve around the earth, we weren’t put here by an omnipotent creator, and we’re probably not the only ones out there.
"Take me to your producer"

Listen. There’s probably life on other heavenly bodies in our Universe. There’s Keppler 22(b), 20(e), 20(f). There are Saturn’s moons Titan, Enceladus, and Dione. There are Cauche horizons in black holes. There’s the new “SuperEarth” GJ1214b.  Until we develop the technology to span the far reaches of our universe, we remain in a sample size of one. Everything we say about the probability of life, what conditions are conducive to the development of life, and whether there’s another planet where gays are just fucking ruining everybody’s lives by getting married is merely speculative. Within the confines of our own perceptual logic, we estimate that there could potentially be 50 quintillion (more zeroes than the crowd in a Guns N’ Roses reunion concert) exoplanets. Disregarding the Fermi paradox, disregarding the cosmic silence we perceive, disregarding that we may just be the asshole neighbors that no other aliens want to hang out with because we always get drunk and play “Land Down Under” on the jukebox and purposely get dropped off at the bar so somebody else has to drive us home, for the sake of this article, we’ll assume that there is intelligent life in the observable universe............
Axl Rose or Mike Piazza

You still didn’t fucking get abducted by aliens.


Greens, Greys, Nordics, Furry Hamsters. All anthropomorphized characters. All fucking wrong. Before it was Mother Nature, it was Poseidon the God of the Sea, it was demons corrupting the souls of people who just turned out to get the genetic short-end-of-the-stick. Let’s dissect the common abduction experience: Little nude green guy comes into your room, takes you up into his room, shoves some shit up your ass. Despite this just sounding like a slow Tuesday night for Rob Kardashian, it’s eerily similar to something else that’s been going on across the world. Sleep paralysis is a fairly common ailment that 20-60% of the population has experienced at some time. In cases of sleep paralysis, the overriding theme is that the subject often experiences a feeling of presence of evil, often coupled with leaving their physical body or being controlled by an insidious force. In the past, this phenomenon has propagated the development of mythical lore about succubae in the night, the “Old Hag” of Newfoundland, the Kanashibari in Japan, and the “Fat Chick From the Bar” in the United States. All of this because of awareness during deep REM arises while your pons has continued to restrict motor function. This is a fairly common symptom to stress, lack of sleep, and not getting abducted by aliens.
"We keep it in the family"

But even if it’s not sleep paralysis, a dream, narcolepsy, temporal lobe epilepsy, lack of folds in the paracingulate sulcus, a tumor affecting the temporo-parietal junction, or that I accidentally slipped you mescaline instead of the rape drug, you still didn’t fucking get abducted by aliens.

If we make the gross assumption that life can only be carbon-based and develop within the same parameters and which we arose, intergalactic explorers would definitely not be able to show up in your bedroom window freeballing it. We can’t even go to our own moon without highly advanced apparatuses so that we can adjust to pressure, the cold, and because they really want to look like Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Free Willy, or whatever. Also, if they had sufficient technology to traverse the galaxy, the universe, or possibly even different dimensions, I think they’d probably be medically advanced enough to perfect the roofie.
"It will only hurt for a second, Radio"

If, more likely, they developed on a terrestrial body in a universe with different laws of physics, even slightly, and/or they are composed primarily of a different element, we’d have no fucking clue what it was, and it most certainly wouldn’t have human qualities. If a mysterious, unidentified source is reported to have human attributes, it’s probably a construct of human perception. In fact, aliens could be here right now, all around us, in a form we just assume developed here on earth. I’ve suspected cats for fucking years. Most likely, even if a civilization is only a couple thousand years our elder, we wouldn’t even be able to detect their presence or involvement in our lives, or as Arthur Clarke put it, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic…unless it’s Jesus—he’s really magic.”

Let’s just say I’m wrong. Fuck it, still don’t worry. First, free prostate exams are nothing to fuss about as you grow older. Second, if an advanced alien civilization really wanted to kick our asses or use us for some treacherous purpose, don’t you think they’d intervene before we developed more destructive weapons and progress technologically? Maybe aliens are somehow influencing our evolution or using us for some sick, sadistic purpose without our knowledge, but the reality remains, we don’t know about it. Whether you have free will or not isn’t it important, it’s the illusion that counts. So if we are human batteries or we’re the preprogrammed offspring of an alien civilization with the sole purpose of proliferating the development of a new universe when our technology allows, all you can do is sit back and enjoy the sodomy.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

48 Things You Didn't Know About Easter

1.       Male rabbits are called “bucks.”

2.       All female rabbits are whores.

3.       Rabbits are not rodents, they’re actually lagomorphs.

4.       We’ll still pretty sure Steve Buschemi is a lemur, which is also not a rodent.

5.       Many of the Christian traditions surrounding Easter, such as Good Friday and the Resurrection, are derived from earlier pagan rituals, most notably involving cults of the god Attis around 200 B.C. in ancient Rome. In areas in which both cults of Attis and early Christians were later geographically located, there were disputes over each other’s god’s authenticity.

6.       Kirk Cameron edited the last fact out of the Wikipedia page for Easter.

7.       Jesus was likely crucified on a post. The idea of a cross had not gained popularity until around 300 years after his death.

8.       Jesus would have made a fantastic “A” in the YMCA music video.

9.       Mel Gibson has a knife to my throat.

10.   Jesus was the true Son of God, Allah is a total sham, and the Holocaust was a fairy tale dreamed up by greedy Jewish bastards to pocket compensatory damages.

11.   Mel Gibson is gone.

12.   63% of Americans would like to receive a chocolate Easter Bunny.

13.   100% of them probably shouldn’t.

14.   The world’s largest bag of jelly beans weighs over 6,000 lbs., or half the circumference of Chris Christie’s stomach divided by the number of times Terrell Owens has used the word “we” in lbs.

15.   Many Neopagans celebrate the Spring Equinox by lighting fires and jumping over them to ensure fertility.

16.   Republicans practice this ritual through birth control restriction.

17.   Liz Jones has been cast to play Stretch Armstrong later this year.

18.   The word “Easter” most likely comes from the goddess of the Saxons of Northern Europe, Eostre. Her name was derived from “eastre” which meant “spring.” However, many Mediterranean religions also had similar names for the Mother goddess.

19.   The word “Sunday” was most likely either derived from the Scandinavian Sun goddess, Sunna, or the Roman god of the Sun, Sol.

20.   Jesus’s mother Mary was impregnated by the Holy Spirit to a cover of the track “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. He cleverly replaced “Mandy” with Mary’s name in his rendition.

21.   As part of the Trinity, Jesus is also the Father and the Holy Spirit – three in one.

22.   Holy shit, that means Jesus fucked his mom.

23.   Bunnies purr, similarly to kittens.

24.   Fuck cats.

25.   Adult rabbits can be as small as 2 lbs.

26.   Fuck midgets.

27.   Rabbits are unable to vomit.

28.   (showing rabbit “Two Girls One Cup”)

29.   Rabbits can literally be scared to death.

30.   (showing rabbit my lucky rabbit’s foot)

31.   Easter marks the end of Lent, or a 40-day period people publicly pronounce discontinuing a vice in their life while continuing to do said activity in private.

32.   Ashe Wednesday celebrates the illustrious career of one of the first publically accepted black athletes, Arthur Ashe. He was a point guard for the Knicks.

33.   Bar soap just doesn’t feel right in public showers.

34.   Contrary to many of the depictions in the West, Jesus was inevitably dark-skinned due to the region he was conceived (immaculately). However, due to the birth certificate found by Sheriff Joe Arpaio, evidence does seem to suggest Jesus was an American.

35.   The first chocolate eggs were produced in Europe in the 19th century by geese that later migrated to the U.S. and started the hipster movement.

36.   Since that day I pass on the sugar and sweeten my coffee with aspartame just to spite the bastards.

37.   The American Rabbit Breeder’s Association has recognized over 45 different species of rabbits.

38.   Nobody in the American Rabbit Breeder’s Association has seen a human vagina.

39.   Turning bread and wine into flesh and blood is perfectly plausible and happens every Sunday. It’s also not creepy at all that it’s later ingested.

40.   The Pope appeared on Christmas morning wearing Ron Paul’s gold reserves.

41.   No, they don’t actually let the homeless people sleep inside the million-dollar buildings.

42.   The First Council of Mencia in 325 A.D. determined Easter would fall on the first Sunday after the Paschal Full Moon.

43.   They probably copied that from another council.

44.   In Scandinavia, some businesses give employees nearly a full week off for Easter break. I imagine they spend this time having hot, dirty sex with Americans visiting Scandinavia over Easter (fingers crossed).

45.   Duran, Duran spent a week living with a pack of grey wolves and hunting rabbits while preparing the track “Hungry Like The Wolf.”

46.   Oscar Wilde was referring to convincing a herd of rabbits his dick was a carrot by “the love that dare not speak its name.”

47.   Kids’ favorite color of jelly bean is red.

48.   Kids should know it was because they whined about which candy they got that their parents were divorced and they need to be frequently reminded in the event that they forget and retain some sort of self-confidence.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The 69 Enigma

69 enigma

I recently saw The Number 23 with Ace Ventura and like any good Joel Schumacher film, it deeply resonated with me and made me re-evaluate my life. After a bottle of Maker’s Mark and a box of Krispy Kremes, I realized the obsessive and controlling component of a number ruling your every move. Is everything predestined? Is there teleology in evolution? If time is infinite, but the universe is not, pursuant to the idea of eternal recurrence, will this all happen again? Am I part of a holographic universe, only a mirage of what is happening in a true physical reality? How good were Friedrich Nietzsche’s mustache rides?   Is my existence reduced to a simulated matrix, which serves some insidious purpose to some sentient beings with a technological understanding that is far superior to my belief that Jesus rides his bicycle faster than the speed of light in-between entangled particles to transmit information? If this is so, what is the Universe trying to tell me?
Somebody stop me!...from any more Bruce Almighty installments

The obsession with a number is not merely that we believe there is some naturally recurring pattern in nature, but it reaches deeper into a man’s unquenchable search for meaning in a seemingly unconscious, deterministic universe. If I can unravel the mystery of the number, are there then implications in my ability to gain clairvoyance into the direction of evolution? Can I predict natural disasters? Does this red spot on my left ball look like herpes?

After pondering some of these questions and going to my urologist, it wasn’t long before I started to ask some questions about my own life. What if there was something to the 23 enigma? What I discovered will, and very well should, startle all of you to the point of ignoring how incredibly convoluted my opening paragraph was continue to pay attention to what I am about to say. Have you heard the expression that men think about sex every 5 seconds? Well apparently so does the Universe. I found that every substantial even in human history, as well as my own, was connected to the number 69. Here are my results:

23 (from the 23 enigma) x 3 (# of syllables in 23) = 69

Age of the Universe: 13.7 billion years - 13.7 x 5 (# of letters in “years”) = 68.5 rounded to = 69

Age of the Earth: 4.54 billion years  - 4 x 5 = 20, + 4 = 24, 24 x 3 (# of digits in 4.54) = 72 – 3 (# of digits in 4.54) = 69

My Birthday: 5/4/1989 – 19 + 8+ 9 = 37, + 5 (month of my birth) squared = 62 + 5 (month of birth) + square root of 4 (day of birth) = 69

My Name: Jeffrey William Gassen – 1 + 0 (j) +5 (e) + 6 (f) +6 (f) + 1 +8 (r) + 5 (e) + 2 + 5 (y) = 39/ 3 (# of names) = 13 + 10 (j) = 23 x 3 (#of times I masturbated since starting this) = 69

Proposed end of Mayan 13th bak tun: 12/21/2012 – 20 + 1 + 2 = 23 x 3 ( 1+ 2 or 2+1 – month or day) = 69

Pyramids: 2635 B.C. – (2x + 6y)(3x + 5y) = 6xsquared + 28xy + 30ysquared = 6 + 2 -8 +3+0 = 3 x 23 (BC) = 69

So what does this all mean? Is the prevalence of this number somehow related to perpetual mating game that is life for sexually reproducing organisms? Are we unraveling the mystery of the universe to potentially gain information into the future course of existence? Is there even any uncertainty into the unfolding of our being? Do observers even have any part to play in the course of our physical universe? Does god play with dice? Are they fuzzy? Or do I really just need to stop watching porn during my movie commercials?

Sexual Prospectivism?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Reasons Not to Trust Cats 2: A Proactive Defense Strategy

We briefly discussed the seemingly invincible nature of the cat-- reducing  mere mortals to living amongst a fauna of fear, a house of hopelessness, a dungeon of discontent. However, after writing my last post, I stumbled upon a manuscript that eventually became my sole source of optimism in this cold, litterboxed world. 
The Felis catus Crime Syndicate

Memphis 196 B.C.

Although I once believed in the impregnability of my foe’s defenses, I became cognizant of a few strategies for conquering humanity’s greatest nemesis. Pussies are cute, often hairy, and have a seemingly telepathic control over men from which there is no escape.  If I've learned anything from Dr. Van Helsing's battle with the ancient demon, Marcia Cross, it's that education is always the first step in overcoming your enemy...well that.. and one way or the other you have to mow through a couple old hags before you nail the hot Latina.

3. History
Genomic studies conclude that all common housecats are descendants from possibly no more than 5 wild cats from the Middle East about 10,000 years ago. From this information, we can gather a few things:
a.       All cats are Muslim.

I'll do anything for 72 Fancy Feasts

With this in mind, we know that we have a distinct advantage in finding and disposing of felines at several times throughout the day, as well as when they are at their weakest during Ramadan. I first suspected cats during the hysteria of 9/11, but being the rational American that I am, I instead laid the blame on the  partially aborted, gay Mexican Muslim immigrants raised by unwed teenage mothers. Oh, if I would have been privy to this information 11 years ago! I can't think that way, hindsight is 20/20 and without knowing that their version of hell is a Sadie Hawkins dance, there's no way I could have made the connection.
Praise Nala!

b.      Cats are older than the Earth.
According to my highly reputable source Michelle Bachmann, many Nobel Prize laureates support young-earth Creationism, or the belief that the Earth is around 6,000 years old and was created by a serious of chaotic, violent events arising from massive....oh, sorry, I mean Jesus. This would make housecats 4,000 years the Earth’s senior, or half the age difference of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. The bone structure of cats no doubt makes them immune to age-related ailments, such as arthritis, but being products of a much older generation makes them susceptible to being distracted by loud music, dancing, and midgets.
Kitty Kryptonite

  c.       Cats are inferior to dogs.
With the intelligence that cats are 10,000 years old, we can then deduce that dogs, all descending from the Gray Wolf in East Asia 16,000 years ago, have developed a vastly superior culture and are on a different level intellectually. This is clearly demonstrated in a dog’s propensity to spend hours in meditative self-fellatio, advanced architecture (houses instead of litter boxes), and the inclusion of their own shit in their diet to promote the replenishment of vitamins and minerals that end up in fecal matter.

Imhotep's pet dog Barksalothen

2. Taurine
  After felines were sentenced to mortality for climbing God's apple tree, they were damned to Earth to finish their lives toiling in sandboxes and chasing lasers. However, to prevent cats from once again re-claiming their predestination as gods among men, God assured that cats would have to consume taurine in their diet to conserve their eyesight. Taurine is an organic acid, commonly mistaken as an amino acid, that a cat’s body cannot produce independently. Without supplemental taurine, a cat has a variety of infirmities. The most interesting and valuable to we humans is their loss vision.
To prevent the consumption of taurine by cats, we must dispose of all cat food that no doubt includes taurine. Also, fish, high in taurine must be kept away from cats which could practically be accomplished by posting bears at every major body of water. Bears are caniforms, or doglike carnivorans, sharing a common ancestor with modern dogs. Combining this knowledge with that of the superior nature of dogs, we can assume that bears would be most effective in a cross-species duel. To thwart any attempt by cats to purchase taurine at GNC, we need only inform GNC workers of the beneficial affect high doses of taurine has shown on testosterone production in animal studies.

3. Balls of String
Most likely because the similarity of string and mouse tails, cats have an inherent drive to chase string. This is completely compulsory and can only be controlled through intensive operant conditioning. Cats will chase around a floppy piece of twine like my mom after a few martinis and this could potentially be our most significant node of resistance. Cats are voracious, rapacious, dreadful creatures, but the unavoidable hypnosis they undergo can temporarily cause their regression into a benign state of kittenhood. It is imperative that we use it to our advantage in luring pussies into our graces; we can then complete our mission before they change their minds.

"I ain't pussy-whipped, I whips the pussy."

Plan of Action: With the intelligence we’ve gathered, I have developed a highly sophisticated plan to rid the world of our feline foes forever (alliteration motherfucker!).
1.       During Ramadan to ensure success, we will both post bears at every major body of water and make certain that every GNC is double-dosing in between 1 rep bench press maxes and prolonged mirror eye contact.
2.  After step 1, the cats will be blinded. Even without visual capabilities, cats undoubtedly have some sort of extrasensory perception. To enact the next step of our plan, we'll need balls of string, some more bears, a bottle of taurine, a chrome-plated dildo, and a tree.
3.   After secuiring all of the said items, we will lure the cats into the woods using balls of string. Upon their entrance into the forest, we'll place an innocent-looking bottle of taurine in front of the tree. Behind the tree the bears will be hiding to attack the unsuspecting cat. Oh, and the chrome-plated dildo is for protection or something.

  So we have an outline of our strategy. I really don't anticipate any problems. To be honest I'm just happy Nancy Grace's huge, bushy vagina let us borrow some of her cubs for the evening.


"My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, I will father your children!"

Cat-dog don't give a shit

Saturday, February 4, 2012

The Big Winners in 2011

2011 was an unforgettable year in which we learned a lot. Don't go to underpriveleged child/ assistant coach mixers, jumping into marriages is always a great idea and things will work out fine, Barack Obama doesn't take well to other guys with Muslim-sounding names, and the easiest way to get famous is to be a horrible mother. 2011 was a year of highs and lows, but there were a few people that shined like gamma-ray bursts in a universe full of bright stars and idiot politicians.

10. Gay People

Despite the GOP presidential candidates pretty much collectively taking the initiative to prevent anyone from having orgasms this year, the homosexual cause has come from behind and thrust itself into the political atmosphere. It was a long, hard, swollen year for the plight of those seeking equality for all sexual orientations. Yes, we got New York. Yes, DADT is gone. However, there were also setbacks. There was massive backlash from Republicans after DADT was repealed, despite the Pentagon study validating that troop morale would be unaffected, if not improved, and I think anybody who doesn't drown baskets of gay kittens for breakfast was disheartened by the state of humanity when a gay soldier was booed at one of the GOP debates. Marcus Bachmann referred to homosexuals as "barbarians that need to be educated" (don't think he read that in a book) while Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum signed the FAMiLY LEADER pledge to denounce same-sex marriage and essentially logic in general. Quite possibly most detrimental of all is the fact Perez Hilton is still gay, and he generally just sucks as a person.

Menace to society

Despite all of the horrible things said and done to homosexuals in 2011: the clause introduced to Michigan bullying laws including an exemption for ideological differences, Santorum comparing homosexuality to slavery and giving an odd, paper thin rant against same-sex marriage utilizing napkins and paper towels (I thought in Leviticus it said you can't mix more than one fabric?), Bachmann concluding preventing same-sex mariage was the biggest issue facing America in the last 30 years (apparently she doesn't watch Fox News because they think it's Obama's golf score), Newt Gingrich telling a gay man not to vote for him, and Ann Coulter well, existing, gays remained triumphant.

Why they're winning:

Moreso than any other issue, homosexuality has revealed the misinformation, lack of intelligence, and bigotry of the Republican candidates. It has gotten to point where Mr. Gays Cause Natural Disasters, Pat Robertson, has even called the GOP field, "too extreme." Lo and behold, the candidate with the least heinous opposition to homosexuality, Mitt Romney, is surging in polls. Although I believe that has more to do with the fact he's offering the most tax breaks for the people that own Washington and everyone wants to see if his hair is actually made of granite or not. Hell, Mitt Romney has even introduced a three tier same-sex marriage plan, but if it's anything like the heterosexual marriage plan it will go:

1. get married

2. hate each other

3. get divorced

So even though it appears equality had a good year in 2011, remember that in most places in America, you can still only get married for 72 days if you're straight. And remember, at least 1400 species of animals from worms up to primates engage in homosexual activity, so if we were all created in god's image, he probably watched Gilmore Girls. So whatever you may think about homosexuality, be reassured that the very powers that vehemently oppose sodomy are ironically double-stuffing you with the long dicks of consumerism and capitalism, so don't be so sure you shouldn't slide yourself down a little farther on the Kinsey scale.

9. Fetuses

If I learned anything at the Republican debates in 2011, it's that life begins at conception and ends when you can't afford health insurance. As I reflect back on my life, it appears to me that my popularity peaked about weeks 20-35. Personhood laws, heartbeat bills, fetal remains bills, and crude ads depicting all abortion as late-term, partial birth abortion have ensured the survival of both wanted and unwanted zygotes. The war on choice has turned into a religious crusade in this past year, and basically if you say the "a" word out loud you're guarunteed a one-way ticket to Hades, or Somalia, or wherever people that don't find a genocidal maniac with dissociative identiy disorder damning you to death and although being omnipotent, omniscient, and loving, is somehow required to sacrifice his son to torture because you ate his fruit out of the employee fridge intellectually satisfying go.

Why they're winners:

Fetuses are on a roll this year because they've this year, seemingly more than in years' past, have been tied to a "pro-life" movement. The pro-life movement has become more of a counter-enlightenment movement than an actual push to preserve life, but nonetheless the Christian majority clung onto this concept and ran with it. I just wish they'd keep somewhere else. Wanting to protect life is totally understandable, but unfortunately, this movement of the fetal protection program is more of a political move to further demonize the left as godless baby killers....that are also Muslim and have lots of gay sex. If it were truly an issue of protecting the helpless, the GOP wouldn't be pushing to drug test recipients of entitlements, unless of course you believe a 4 year old is capable of staging an intervention to get his or her mom off the pipe. And if it were really about life, Rick Perry wouldn't have gotten a standing ovation for the trail of blood he left from Texas to Iowa, heating for the poor wouldn't have gotten cut by 25% to avoid a shutdown and raise the military budget, and Fox News wouldn't be clamoring "God Bless Income Disparity" when 15 million American children live in poverty. I digress. In any event, whatever the motive may be for the cult of the fetus, I suggest next time you go down to the local bar, ditch your letterman's jacket and strap on your placenta.

8. Michael Jackson

Unfortunately for the king of pop(pin' 10 year old cherries...god I'm sick), he didn't get to see daylight in what could have possibly been the easiest year of his life. Let me clarify that I am in no position to pass judgment on the accusations of child molestation, so all jokes should be taken for what they are...jokes..lighten up. Even though Michael wasn't around, there was no shortage of coverage about his life in the news and he actually wasn't being portrayed as the Solon of the pop world. Not only did the media coverage of MJ take a turn in his favor, but there was also a plethora of scandals involving children (outside of the womb) to take attention off his questionable past.

Why he's winning:

First, Dr. Conrad Murray was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter in the case surrounding MJ's death. After a hard court battle and having to put up with LaToya being relevant for a few months, justice was finally served. However, we're all adults here and can honestly say if Jack Kevorkian was Dr. Death, Conrad Murray was Dr. Well-We-Kinda-Saw-That-Coming.

I am not a crook

Not only was 2011 the year of the conviction of the doctor clearly in violation of his Hippocratic oath during the events that prefaced MJ's death, but he also lost the crown of "worst person to leave your kids with." Both Bernie Fine and Jerry Sandusky dominated the headlines as the proverbial "Coaching Staff Kid Snatchers" (that's a thing, right?) and completely overshadowed talk about Michael's giant House on Kind of Creepy Hill. I do think we are a little harsh on MJ, especially since he was never truly convicted. We lost Heavy D, the next person on our list, and we finally got rid of Katy well wishful thinking. So despite all of his flaws, remember Michael Jackson for the talent that he was, and that he didn't care if you were black or long as you were a minor.

7. Amy Winehouse

As horrible as it may sound, I think that the biggest suprise of 2011 was not that Amy Winehouse passed away, but that anybody in America gave a shit. Whoa, before you light your torches and storm my basement apartment at my mom's house, hear me out. Do you know how many people die every day? A lot, and for the majority of them, you couldn't care less. Now look yourself in the mirror and tell me that you liked Amy Winehouse's music before she died. If you say yes, fuck you, you're lying. I have no inclination as to what type of person Amy Winehouse was and whatever she does in her personal life is her own business, but we weren't surprised this happened and making the tragedy of a young person dying a tale of personal loss of one of your favorite artists is just as degrading and disgusting as dancing on her grave. Which would have to be to somebody else's music.

Why she's winning:

I think it's obvious. Perhaps like Poe, Winehouse was somehow brilliant before her time. In her life she was reduced to a waste, a drug addict, and vastly underappreciated. In death, she was brilliant, talented, and a secret philanthropist. It suffices to say that if you don't have any friends, dying is a great way to make a few. Please don't take that statement literally and I hold no responsibility for any person that takes their own life to get friends. So if you're a talented, tormented artist, I think the lesson learned is your fans will probably be in the UK.

6. Casey Anthony

You seem dubious, as if the death of your baby and having a drawn out court battle in which you were presumed innocent, but still guilty in the eyes of... well, everyone is a bad thing. When not making chloroform cocktails and getting double-teamed by Persians in the back seat of a Lincoln, Casey Anthony spent most of the year in court. However, despite what could have potentially been a total buzzkill to her lavish lifestyle of whippets and moneyshots, she turned it around.

Why she's winning:

Casey Anthony took advantage of something the prosecution never took into consideration. America's disdain for Nancy Grace. I firmly believe that the only reason the jury found Casey Anthony innocent was that they couldn't possibly bring themselves to agree with anything Nancy Grace was squawking about. So she got off, had a baby, went to court, got off again, and was offered $8 million for a book deal. In a year when fetal personhood and the protection of innocence took centerstage in politics, it's ironic that even though it appeared Casey Anthony killed her child, she got off more easily than a guy who just forgot to wear a condom when double-dutching a couple of Swedish chicks (Assange). Thus, Casey Anthony will forever be included with talks of O.J. Simpson, who did to a white woman what a Florida jury couldn't quite pull off.

5. Justin Bieber

Why he's winning: He finished another year without coming out of the closet.

4. Cosmic Adventurers

As the year concludes, the planets Keppler 20(e), 20(f), and 22(b) emerge as potentially capable of supporting or even currently harboring life. This is merely a reflection of the year in which planetary discovery has exploded in the public media as we begin to convince Republicans that space isn't just a made up construct to get unwed teenage mothers to have sex and subsequently get abortions after denouncing Christ and having a totally lesbo make-out session with Janeane Garofalo.

Why they're winning:

Stephen Hawking and many theoroetical physicists and astronomers agree that for the human race to stand the test of time, we'll eventually have to inhabit other planets. From Enceladus to possible life zones in the galactic nuclei of black holes, the cosmos may harbor more life than Charlie Sheen's taint. Cosmonauts who don't find moving to Andorra sufficient to escape their exes may find Pandora more inviting. For once the possibility that we will be the goofy looking guys in big machines death ray zapping the shit out of fools to inhabit their planet; take that H.G. Wells. Now just as Carl Sagan warned before his death, we need to be wary of anthropocentrism when exploring exoplanets, and need to take into consideration the ramifications of interfering with life on other planets. So basically, let's not do this whole "discovery of the New World" thing again. Casinos may not be as big of a hit on Europa.

3. The Poor

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit, well, pretty much fucking nothing." - Jesus Christ (R). After the Arab Spring, political activism in America took a drastic change from throwing stink bombs at whaling vessels to setting up tent cities in public parks to combat corporate corruption in our government, the growing income disparity in this country, and having to wash behind our ears. The narrative in the news has change from "We hate the black guy in office" to "We hate the black guy in office, oh, and there are a shit ton of people in poverty in this country."

Why they're winning:

In a country where the income of the top 1% has increased by 275% while thatof the bottom of 20% has only increased by 18% between '79 and '07, it's easy to see that the social contract begins to fray. As taxes on the rich are at all-time lows, with billionaires paying lower rates than their secretaries, and 30 corporations posting combined profits of over $160 billion not paying any taxes at all, people are starting to doubt the effectiveness of trickle-down economics (the belief that if wealth is concetrated at the top, the rich will piss on everyone else to make them work harder and accrue more wealth). The War on Poverty, or moreso the War on the Poor, continues to heat up with most presidential candidates proposing greater tax breaks for the rich and even tax increases for the disappearing middle class. However, some politicians, celebrities, economists, sociologists, and even psychologists have come to the aid of the poor to protest the increasing inequality and the potential consequences poverty has on America's social fabric as a whole as it remains a light to the rest of the world....atop a hill of slums. Even the Pope came out on Christmas to defend the poor, showing his endorsement of Ron Paul by wearing the entire world's gold reserves.

2. Coach Mike Krzyzewski

I'm only going to type out Krzyzewski once...okay twice.. because that name is just ridiculous. As Coach K again brings his Blue Devils to the top of the NCAA again, he has had a monumental year. He wakes up in the morning and shaves his chiseled face with an Olympic gold medal, followed by a brisk jog into the Carolina wilderness to kill his breakfast. Taking this same dedication and unrivaled burliness onto the court, Coach K surpassed Bob Knight as the winningest coach in Division I Men's College Basketball history, but that isn't the whole story.

Why he's winning:

It was always peculiar to me why, although Coach K is at the grand age of 64, he has never looked better. Then I had a revelation. Coach K is a fucking vampire. It's hard for me to truly honor his accomplishments when in reality he has had 500-560 years to accrue knowledge (based on radioactive dating). In a year in which the most anticipated wedding was the fictional wedding between two teenage vampires, it has been a great year for vampires as a race. However, even the whole immortal advantage Coach K holds on his predecessors and peers, we all need to admire that neither he, nor his coaching staff have been caught shuttling low-income pre-teens into their hotel rooms at away games.

Coach K at 53 or 278

1. The Mayans

Okay, okay. So most people spent 2011 blasting the Mayans, disproving the possiblity that they actually believed the world would end in 2012 with the finality of the 13th b'ak'tun. It is arguable to whether the Mayans truly conceived 2012 as a significant year, but the the likes of Terrance McKenna and many other New Age thinkers clung on to it and associated it with their own theories and ideologies. Whether we collide with a floating planet, black hole, or antimatter, whether we begin to live in the concert of a single consciousness, whether the Jonas Brothers win a Grammy, 2012 will be a year more heralded in the books of Geekery than the appearance of John Titor.

Why they're winning:

Despite scientists and the general public being disenchanted with the y2k-like hysteria surrounding 2012, as 2011 continued to progress, the Mayans began to look better and better. Tornadoes in the United States, earthquakes all over the globe, Fukushima, the global financial crisis, famine, global warming, and the combeback of Britney Spears have all lended their hand in a revival of belief in the world's conclusion in December of 2012. So grab your crystal skull, load up on non-perishable food items, and make sure your flux capacitor is in good form...just in case.

Well those were this year's biggest winners. I'm sure the next year will continue to grant us overrated, recycled pop tunes, natural disasters, and political douchebaggery. Happy holidays and enjoy your New Year's party. Also, remember this, if you have unprotected sex with a stranger, it doesn't count before 12 AM.

5 Reasons You Should Never Trust Cats

Cats are fucking assholes. Yeah, I said it. Throughout history, cats have had an uncanny ability to lull people into their graces with the innocence of kittenhood, only to turn them in to Stepford Wife Shit Cleaning Sextoys with no immunity against the insidious plots that boil within the feline brain. I know you’re not supposed to talk about someone behind their back, but to be quite honest, there could be 15 cats behind me right now, but with their ninja reflexes and cunning of a chick trying to blow me off cordially, I’d fucking never know. There are 5 main reasons why cats, under no circumstance, should ever be left alone with children, your wallet, or uranium.

1. Cats are sexual deviants.

“Oh, look at that cute little kitten” says the unknowingly harassed victim. As humans, we have a natural propensity to pay attention to animals. Because of our evolutionary past as hunters, as well as our less distant agrarian history and present as we utilize animals for labor and food, we are genetically hardwired to pay attention to animals. That, coupled with our vulnerability to anthropomorphize other species, renders us defenseless against the charms of anything warm and fuzzy that won’t eat us (don’t fuck with bears, man).

This may appear harmless enough, a little lap sitting and some heavy petting, but the next thing you know you’ve got that sick son of a bitch outstretched on your lap, rolling around like Madonna in a wedding dress--I’ve seen it a thousand times. Once you’re enveloped by the sexual dominance of these furry, malevolent fuckhounds, you’re defenseless against the sick sexual gratification of which felines apparently have no limits. They are obvious sadists, as they sporadically gnaw on your fingers. They often intertwine your manual stimulation with self-fellatio. For the love of Cheshire, in a desperate act of masochism, they even vibrate, tempting you to violate everything that’s sacred to Rick Santorum.

Sweater vests and reaction formations are less gay with boxing gloves.

And even if you could forgive all that, do you know what else was furry and made weird noises? Furbies. And fuck Furbies. Which in no way leads to my next point:

Left millions of children wishing you got them a fucking puppy.

2. All cats are Russian spies.

Yes, that’s right. This whole time you thought little Buttercup was out chasing mice (who actually have an extremely well-structured capitalistic society) or filling the air with playful dandelion seeds, she was actually out activating sleeper cell agents to radically overthrow capitalism, Jesus, the Bee Gees, missionary sex with servants and everything else our forefathers stood for.

Where did I get this intelligence do you ask? Well, although I can admit I’ve been fooled once or twice in the past, I met a Russian once. The accent was a dead giveaway. If you’ve ever heard a Russian speak, they are most certainly purring. It is obvious Russia was the only place cats could have picked up this thick, cryptic language. Also, such as in Egypt, historically cats been held in high position as lords of the underworld. Everyone knows Lenin played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons, so he’d totally be into that shit. Not to mention, Aristocats was undoubtedly a propaganda technique to criticize American wealth inequality. So hide ya kids, hide ya wife, cause cats be snatchin’ yo excess up.

The white, Christian cats obviously have bigger bowls.
Masters of the Mustachio

3. Cats are full of shit.

When I say cats are full of shit, I don’t mean that as metaphor for being asshole-showing liars (even though they are). I also don’t mean they’re literally packed full of a shit like a late John Wayne (ew). What I do mean, is cats are full of bad shit, that’s not actually shit, but is shit that can be transmitted to you, through their shit.

Cat shit is possibly the only thing more disgusting than cat piss. However, the thing about cat piss is that it is easily detected through human olfaction, while cat shit is another issue entirely. Let me preface this by saying, I don’t trust anything that doesn’t stand by its shit. When a dog takes a shit, he stands by it, sniffs it, gives it a good lick or two, and lets the whole world know, “Hey man, that’s my shit!” When a man takes a shit, well strike me dead if he doesn’t perfuse the next room with his stench and tell everyone he knows of the glorious becoming on his porcelain throne.

I've seen an asshole that's not a cat, but not a cat that's not an asshole

However, when a cat shits, he hides his shit. Not only is he without pride in what nature has accomplished through his being, but he knows it is a tool of wrath. Sandboxes everywhere are riddled with cat shit, easily mistaken as mud, threatening our children with parasites and disease, as well as we adults who enjoy a good mudpie or two when we pass out naked in a playground on St. Patrick’s Day. Which brings me to my next point.

4. Cats are are capable of mind-control.

That’s right, that shit in that cats’ shit we were talking about. Well, that’s some fucked up shit. Cat shit can contain Toxoplasma gondii, or parasitic protozoa that have some pretty crazy effects. While Conservatives are flying the fetal flag to protect our embryos against the succubae of science and the perils of progression, Toxoplasma gondii are flying under the radar and drop-kicking the fetuses of immunocompromised women.

As if all that wasn’t enough, Toxoplasma gondii can also infect adult human hosts as well. Your immune system is unguarded against the powers of Toxoplasma gondii, as the eggs infiltrate your brain and hijack your neurochemistry. A short life cycle of the Toxoplasma gondii will clear all of this up.

Toxoplasma gondii want to get into cat shit. It’s weird, but that’s their thing. They infect mice and rats, and their ninja mind-control abilities make these rodents less fearful of cats. So little Ratatouille puts some bad bologna in his spaghetti and “POOF!” He’s running headfirst into a herd of stray cats like William Wallace charging the English. After the Toxoplasma gondii make their way into the cat, they are then excreted into the world in cat shit. Fuckin’ cats. So if we are in contact with cat shit, or the animals we consume that can be infected with the Toxoplasma gondii from the fields, we, in turn are also infected. Some studies report that as many as 60% of Americans are infected with Toxoplasma gondii. Toxoplasma gondii is capable of manipulating some dopaminergic pathways in the human brain, which some statistics suggest lead to reckless behavior, hypersexuality, and thrill-seeking (so does cocaine). But all of this is only possible because:

5. Cats are pussies.

In no way am I trying to undermine the ferocity and sinister nature of cats. I learned from Hoosiers, Rudy, and watching retarded kids try to pop bubbles that you should never underestimate your enemy. Cats are cute, fuzzy, and seemingly benign, but that’s not why they so easily penetrate our society like a sneaky chemical across the blood-brain barrier.

Somewhere, in our lingual origins, there was a man. That man may have had good intentions, trying to make the obligation of extensive vocabulary unnecessary, but he committed the most fatal mistake in the history of our species. He connected the term “pussy” to both vaginas (good) and cats (bad). Now, when we men encounter pussy cats, there is a misattribution of arousal, a hormonal stew boils in our blood, reinforcing a connection with the object we encounter. This inevitably leads us back to number 1. And so, we will forever perk our ears whenever a cat is mentioned, rendering us dangerously vulnerable to wanting to touch it, setting in motion the wheels of our mortality.

There is no holy water for cats and the chances of both catching one and finding a wooden stake to impale it with in the same lifetime is minimal at best. This is why we stay in our houses on Friday the 13th, we’ve developed a common allergy to the dander of the little beasts, and it’s never safe in a back alley at dusk. So please, don’t feed your cat after midnight. I’d tell you not to feed it at all, but I know the consequence would only be your own demise. Stay off the street, hide your milk, and if you do nothing else, get a fucking dog.