1. Male rabbits are called “bucks.”
2. All female rabbits are whores.
3. Rabbits are not rodents, they’re actually lagomorphs.
4. We’ll still pretty sure Steve Buschemi is a lemur, which is also not a rodent.
5. Many of the Christian traditions surrounding Easter, such as Good Friday and the Resurrection, are derived from earlier pagan rituals, most notably involving cults of the god Attis around 200 B.C. in ancient Rome. In areas in which both cults of Attis and early Christians were later geographically located, there were disputes over each other’s god’s authenticity.
6. Kirk Cameron edited the last fact out of the Wikipedia page for Easter.
7. Jesus was likely crucified on a post. The idea of a cross had not gained popularity until around 300 years after his death.
8. Jesus would have made a fantastic “A” in the YMCA music video.
9. Mel Gibson has a knife to my throat.
10. Jesus was the true Son of God, Allah is a total sham, and the Holocaust was a fairy tale dreamed up by greedy Jewish bastards to pocket compensatory damages.
11. Mel Gibson is gone.
12. 63% of Americans would like to receive a chocolate Easter Bunny.
13. 100% of them probably shouldn’t.
14. The world’s largest bag of jelly beans weighs over 6,000 lbs., or half the circumference of Chris Christie’s stomach divided by the number of times Terrell Owens has used the word “we” in lbs.
15. Many Neopagans celebrate the Spring Equinox by lighting fires and jumping over them to ensure fertility.
16. Republicans practice this ritual through birth control restriction.
17. Liz Jones has been cast to play Stretch Armstrong later this year.
18. The word “Easter” most likely comes from the goddess of the Saxons of Northern Europe, Eostre. Her name was derived from “eastre” which meant “spring.” However, many Mediterranean religions also had similar names for the Mother goddess.
19. The word “Sunday” was most likely either derived from the Scandinavian Sun goddess, Sunna, or the Roman god of the Sun, Sol.
20. Jesus’s mother Mary was impregnated by the Holy Spirit to a cover of the track “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. He cleverly replaced “Mandy” with Mary’s name in his rendition.
21. As part of the Trinity, Jesus is also the Father and the Holy Spirit – three in one.
22. Holy shit, that means Jesus fucked his mom.
23. Bunnies purr, similarly to kittens.
24. Fuck cats.
25. Adult rabbits can be as small as 2 lbs.
26. Fuck midgets.
27. Rabbits are unable to vomit.
28. (showing rabbit “Two Girls One Cup”)
29. Rabbits can literally be scared to death.
30. (showing rabbit my lucky rabbit’s foot)
31. Easter marks the end of Lent, or a 40-day period people publicly pronounce discontinuing a vice in their life while continuing to do said activity in private.
32. Ashe Wednesday celebrates the illustrious career of one of the first publically accepted black athletes, Arthur Ashe. He was a point guard for the Knicks.
33. Bar soap just doesn’t feel right in public showers.
34. Contrary to many of the depictions in the West, Jesus was inevitably dark-skinned due to the region he was conceived (immaculately). However, due to the birth certificate found by Sheriff Joe Arpaio, evidence does seem to suggest Jesus was an American.
35. The first chocolate eggs were produced in Europe in the 19th century by geese that later migrated to the U.S. and started the hipster movement.
36. Since that day I pass on the sugar and sweeten my coffee with aspartame just to spite the bastards.
37. The American Rabbit Breeder’s Association has recognized over 45 different species of rabbits.
38. Nobody in the American Rabbit Breeder’s Association has seen a human vagina.
39. Turning bread and wine into flesh and blood is perfectly plausible and happens every Sunday. It’s also not creepy at all that it’s later ingested.
40. The Pope appeared on Christmas morning wearing Ron Paul’s gold reserves.
41. No, they don’t actually let the homeless people sleep inside the million-dollar buildings.
42. The First Council of Mencia in 325 A.D. determined Easter would fall on the first Sunday after the Paschal Full Moon.
43. They probably copied that from another council.
44. In Scandinavia, some businesses give employees nearly a full week off for Easter break. I imagine they spend this time having hot, dirty sex with Americans visiting Scandinavia over Easter (fingers crossed).
45. Duran, Duran spent a week living with a pack of grey wolves and hunting rabbits while preparing the track “Hungry Like The Wolf.”
46. Oscar Wilde was referring to convincing a herd of rabbits his dick was a carrot by “the love that dare not speak its name.”
47. Kids’ favorite color of jelly bean is red.
48. Kids should know it was because they whined about which candy they got that their parents were divorced and they need to be frequently reminded in the event that they forget and retain some sort of self-confidence.