The 69 Enigma

69 enigma

I recently saw The Number 23 with Ace Ventura and like any good Joel Schumacher film, it deeply resonated with me and made me re-evaluate my life. After a bottle of Maker’s Mark and a box of Krispy Kremes, I realized the obsessive and controlling component of a number ruling your every move. Is everything predestined? Is there teleology in evolution? If time is infinite, but the universe is not, pursuant to the idea of eternal recurrence, will this all happen again? Am I part of a holographic universe, only a mirage of what is happening in a true physical reality? How good were Friedrich Nietzsche’s mustache rides?   Is my existence reduced to a simulated matrix, which serves some insidious purpose to some sentient beings with a technological understanding that is far superior to my belief that Jesus rides his bicycle faster than the speed of light in-between entangled particles to transmit information? If this is so, what is the Universe trying to tell me?

Somebody stop me!...from any more Bruce Almighty installments

The obsession with a number is not merely that we believe there is some naturally recurring pattern in nature, but it reaches deeper into a man’s unquenchable search for meaning in a seemingly unconscious, deterministic universe. If I can unravel the mystery of the number, are there then implications in my ability to gain clairvoyance into the direction of evolution? Can I predict natural disasters? Does this red spot on my left ball look like herpes?

After pondering some of these questions and going to my urologist, it wasn’t long before I started to ask some questions about my own life. What if there was something to the 23 enigma? What I discovered will, and very well should, startle all of you to the point of ignoring how incredibly convoluted my opening paragraph was continue to pay attention to what I am about to say. Have you heard the expression that men think about sex every 5 seconds? Well apparently so does the Universe. I found that every substantial even in human history, as well as my own, was connected to the number 69. Here are my results:

23 (from the 23 enigma) x 3 (# of syllables in 23) = 69

Age of the Universe: 13.7 billion years - 13.7 x 5 (# of letters in “years”) = 68.5 rounded to = 69

Age of the Earth: 4.54 billion years  - 4 x 5 = 20, + 4 = 24, 24 x 3 (# of digits in 4.54) = 72 – 3 (# of digits in 4.54) = 69

My Birthday: 5/4/1989 – 19 + 8+ 9 = 37, + 5 (month of my birth) squared = 62 + 5 (month of birth) + square root of 4 (day of birth) = 69

My Name: Jeffrey William Gassen – 1 + 0 (j) +5 (e) + 6 (f) +6 (f) + 1 +8 (r) + 5 (e) + 2 + 5 (y) = 39/ 3 (# of names) = 13 + 10 (j) = 23 x 3 (#of times I masturbated since starting this) = 69

Proposed end of Mayan 13^th bak tun: 12/21/2012 – 20 + 1 + 2 = 23 x 3 ( 1+ 2 or 2+1 – month or day) = 69

Pyramids: 2635 B.C. – (2x + 6y)(3x + 5y) = 6xsquared + 28xy + 30ysquared = 6 + 2 -8 +3+0 = 3 x 23 (BC) = 69

So what does this all mean? Is the prevalence of this number somehow related to perpetual mating game that is life for sexually reproducing organisms? Are we unraveling the mystery of the universe to potentially gain information into the future course of existence? Is there even any uncertainty into the unfolding of our being? Do observers even have any part to play in the course of our physical universe? Does god play with dice? Are they fuzzy? Or do I really just need to stop watching porn during my movie commercials?

Sexual Prospectivism?